Making New Friends: The Adventure of Meeting Strangers with Confidence

From early on in development, infants learn to differentiate between familiar and unfamiliar individuals, which often leads to displays of wariness or distress around strangers. Developmental psychologists have theorized that emotional reactions to unfamiliar individuals come from an innate instinct to balance self protection with an ability to adapt to new experiences. Because young children often form a strong bond with their caregivers, studies have found that separation anxiety, or distress resulting from being away from a loved one, is one of the most common anxiety experiences in children between the ages of 4 and 10. Meeting strangers can be a source of anxiety for children, as it involves stepping out of their comfort zone and interacting with unfamiliar people. Whether it’s a new face on the playground or meeting a whole new classroom of kids at the start of the school year, developing courage in this social context can help children build confidence and form meaningful social relationships with others. Courage in this situation can involve approaching new people, initiating conversations, and engaging in social activities.

Here are some ways you can help your little through their journey of making new friends:

1. Model Social Behavior:

Research shows that when faced with an unfamiliar person, infants often use social referencing, looking to their caregivers for cues on how to respond. One study found that mothers of 12- to 18-month toddlers who provided gentle encouragement during an interaction with a stranger were associated with decreased fearfulness and avoidance from the toddlers. Further, other studies have found that preschool-aged children exhibited increased warmth and playful behavior towards an unfamiliar individual after viewing a positive interaction between the individual and their caregiver. Whether it’s running into a familiar friend at a grocery store or meeting a new parent at the park, demonstrate friendly and confident communication with others that your little one is unfamiliar with. After your child is able to observe your interaction, include them into the conversation by encouraging them to say hello, and asking them simple questions to help them engage, such as, "Do you want to tell Mrs. Smith what we’re doing today?" or "Can you show Mr. Johnson the new toy you brought with you?" This can help them practice social skills in a supportive environment.

2. Small Steps:

Research has shown that preschool children can vary in their reactions to unfamiliar people, with some little ones taking longer than others to “warm-up” to a new friend. Transitioning to daycare or school, or visiting the playground for the first time can often be the first environment that offers multiple opportunities for social interaction which studies have found to be a source of anxiety or overwhelm in young children. Before these new experiences, you can help ease your little through small social interactions. For example, waving or saying hello to a neighbor can be a small but mighty gesture that can help your child build a positive perspective around interacting with others. Then gradually increase the complexity of social encounters through short conversations or play dates.

3. Check-Ins:

Meeting new people can be challenging for both children and their caregivers. It's common for parents to feel apprehensive about ensuring their children have positive social interactions with new individuals. When your child is interacting with someone new, it can be helpful to remember to balance checking in on them with giving them independence and space to explore. One study found that when parents were overly controlling or intrusive during their toddlers' interactions with strangers, it led to increased shyness and anxiety in the children. In contrast, caregivers who allowed their toddlers to interact with strangers freely while periodically checking in on them were associated with more confident and less anxious behavior in their children.

Research Represented:

1. Lavallee, K., Herren, C., Blatter-Meunier, J., Adornetto, C., In-Albon, T., & Schneider, S. (2011). Early predictors of separation anxiety disorder: early stranger anxiety, parental pathology and prenatal factors. Psychopathology, 44(6), 354-361.

2. Mangelsdorf, S. C. (1992). Developmental changes in infant-stranger interaction. Infant Behavior and Development, 15(2), 191-208.

3. Solan, R. (2016). Stranger Anxiety: When Children Face Strangers. Mental Health in Family Medicine [Internet], 12(2), 223-227.

4. Wang, L., Hung, S., & Au, T. K. F. (2022). What mothers can do about their toddlers’ stranger anxiety. Social Development, 31(1), 93-108.